Inner Man

30 days at the beach. My photos drew comment on Facebook. Some wished they were there. Some feigned jealousy well enough to fool me. One comment jabbed me right in the soul...

"it's beautiful there, but you're all alone"

It stuck. And it stung. 

For $11.75 at the box office I can buy vicarious strength 90 minutes at a time. But the movie ends and I'm left with the reality that I'm weak and tired. Not strong enough, never was. Nobody's hero. 

Some people are energized by social interaction. I have to get away and be still, alone with God. People drain me. I love people--they still drain me. It's one of the great ironies of my life. I'm an introvert assigned to extrovert duties. 

When divorce took me apart, there was deathly silence on the 6th floor. I had thought to always have company in my soul, at least while I live here. Instead I find myself entertaining echoes. Time slowed and sound departed. 

By various means of amusement and distraction, I set about to avoid being alone. Movies, visitors, conversations, self-improvement, study, overwork, business and busy-ness. 

I went home to make peace with loneliness. Loneliness is part death, and there comes a time to face them both. For me, it is time. The conversation to which I was summoned, required that I appear on my own. To stick my feet in the sand and make sure they still fit. My soul hung out to dry from the weariness of living. 

On the beach God reminded me about Sabbath and Marriage. Monument and memorial to Rest and Intimacy. 

On that beach I read Graham Cooke's "Towards developing a powerful inner life." Thank you, Laura and Leslie, for that gift. 

Ephesians 3:16 prays strengthening for my inner man. It's a prayer for internal fortitude. For a stronger shadow. 

 

I've never been weaker. I'm ok with that.